My friend Stig's account of Clutterer's Anonymous

Stig, is that you?

This wild adventure isn’t mine, folks—buckle up and dive into the eccentric world of my friend Stig! Enjoy the ride! 🚀

Hi, my wonderful friends. I recently attended my first Clutterers Anonymous meeting, and oh my goodness, I just do not know what to say about this organization. I felt like I was in the middle of filming an episode of "Antiques Roadshow." The sign-in sheet asked for our first name and our main items of clutter. Reading over the list felt as if I were perusing Craigslist or classified ads. One lady used six lines to list her main items of clutter, whereas I managed to fit my collections into one line and still had space left for a few more items if I wanted to be more honest with these people.

Now, I am not one to gossip, and I do not feel it is appropriate to mention the goings-on during a twelve-step meeting outside of the group. However, I must say that Clutterers Anonymous seemed less like a self-help group or meeting and more like a flea market or swap meet. As I read over the list, I noticed that the lady with the massive listing had included discarded cigarette packs within her clutter items. I smoke a few packs of Virginia Slim 100's a day and do not find this an item of interest. Moments before I entered the meeting, I noticed a lady digging through one of the outside trash cans, pulling out what I thought were pieces of paper. Once the meeting started, I realized that the same lady was in the meeting and remained quiet throughout. I soon noticed that she kept staring at my chest. It took only a few minutes for me to realize that she was staring at my pack of Virginia Slim Menthol 100's in my pocket.

Throughout the meeting, people stood up and shared stories of searching and answering classified and online ads, such as Craigslist and Freecycle, for their collections. As each person spoke, I noticed several attendees taking notes as if they were compiling shopping lists. When it was my turn, I stood and told everyone about my hobbies and collections, such as trial-size items, childhood Barbies and toys, replica vintage potholders, and various crafts that I have made over the years. I ended with a description of my replica of Damien Hirst's "Lullaby Spring." I noticed the cigarette lady licking her lips as I talked, all the while staring at my chest. When I finished, you could hear a pin drop. I felt as if I did not belong—like I was some kind of freak. I do not understand how people who collect items that varied from empty tea lights, burned-out lightbulbs, dead batteries, crushed cigarette packages, toilet paper rolls, paper clips, pencil shavings, carpet samples, plastic grocery bags, broken drill bits, potato chip packages, dryer lint, and old eyeshadow applicators could think that my collectibles were something freakish.

I was happy to be the last person to speak because the second the meeting let out, I wanted out the door. It took twenty minutes to get to the parking lot as many members of the group approached me. Not one welcomed me to the group; each inquired about items in my collection and made offers. I smoked my last two Virginia Slims, and no sooner than I walked away from the garbage can did I turn to see the cigarette lady retrieve the empty pack. I had to hail a cab to escape the urge to set myself ablaze and run down the street. I paid fifty-four dollars in total to ensure the cab driver circled my block and made figure eights around Los Angeles to make sure I was not being followed.

I called my doctor this morning, and he called in a prescription for Xanax at the Rite Aid on Wilshire. I have been too scared to leave my condo today and called out of work tonight. I even offered one of the clerks at the pharmacy a hundred dollars in cash to bring the Xanax to my condo. Unfortunately, no one from the store would, so I have taken a Valium and a Klonopin from my "Lullaby Spring" display. I hope I never run into any of those people in A.A., N.A., or S.A.

Thank you for reading, Stig Ren

From Homeless to Prepared: A Peek Inside My Manbag

Ever wonder what it's like to carry everything you own with you at all times? Well, let me take you on a journey through the world of a self-proclaimed packrat with a touch of OCD—me! From backpacks and lunchboxes in my younger days to the latest and greatest manbags, my journey has been one of overpacking and overthinking. So, sit back, relax, and let's dive into the quirky contents of my trusty manbag.

Most people who know me in real life are well aware that I'm somewhat of a packrat. Actually, if I'm being honest, it's more than just "somewhat." This OCD thing touches every aspect of my world. When I was younger, I had backpacks and lunchboxes to stash all my stuff. But when I hit the streets in Atlanta and NYC back in 1992, carrying a backpack seemed to draw a lot of attention from store salespeople.

I quickly found it best to downsize to the bare essentials. That way, I would rarely be asked to check my bag, and if I was, they wouldn't have any reason to question why I had so much stuff. One thing I learned quickly was to never tell the staff at FAO Schwartz or Sam Goody that I was homeless and carried everything I owned with me. That is, until I discovered the place I tricked out behind an abandoned house in New Jersey, and then the amount of my belongings grew substantially. If I did have to check my bag and the clerk asked why it was so heavy, my standard response became something like, "I'm visiting my uncle or dad." It totally worked, especially because of my Southern accent—it was a real kicker. This was before I learned to cover up the accent.

Once I left NYC, I found it hard to part with "the essentials." To this day, I still carry stuff around with me as I did when I was homeless, but my carry-all bag is now known as my manbag. I have four manbags—one is technically a laptop bag, and another is a laptop backpack.

Have you ever noticed that when you ask someone, "What's in your bag?" most people won't tell you? In fact, they'll go out of their way to avoid further conversation on the topic. What's in there? Government secrets? People can be so touchy about petty stuff. It's just that—STUFF. So, what's in my manbag? Let's break it down:

Contents of My Manbag:

• Hand Sanitizer: Essential for keeping germs at bay, especially after touching public surfaces or before eating. Remember, it's not just for Covid.

• Epi-Pen: A lifesaver for someone with severe allergies. Luckily, I've never had to use it, but it's always good to be prepared.

• Prep H Pads: Handy for relieving any discomfort or irritation. Not glamorous, but practical.

• Pain Meds: For pain management. These are something I keep around just in case I have a severe headache or any other sudden pain. During my homeless years, I never bothered with meds and suffered through toothaches, migraines, colds, the flu, and nausea. I would rather die than go through all of that without some sort of assistance.

• 4 Color BIC Pen: Super useful for organizing notes or highlighting different things in my journal or planner.

• Mechanical Pencil: Always good to have for making notes or sketching ideas on the go.

• Notebook: This is my portable idea bank. I jot down thoughts, to-dos, and anything else that comes to mind.

• Out-of-Date Penny Press Word Search: A fun way to pass the time and keep my brain active during downtimes.

• Rechargeable Portable Fan: A lifesaver on hot days. It’s small but mighty and helps keep me cool.

• Mini Mary Hanson Roberts Tarot Cards: Great for quick readings or just a bit of fun. They’re compact and easy to carry. I don't break out the tarot cards as much as I used to, though. Not that I've lost my touch, just not really interested in the attention a public reading brings.

• Lighter: Always useful, whether for lighting a candle, starting a fire, or just in case of an emergency.

• Swiss Army Knife: I used to have a Leatherman Mini, but it was stolen many years back. No matter which, they come in handy more often than you’d think, especially when I was homeless—cutting, opening packages, minor repairs, you name it. Except when I go to work—even though I am cleared to take necessary tools into the airport, this isn't needed for my job though it would come in handy at times.

• Lotion: Hand sanitizer dries out your hands, so it's always good to moisturize, especially when you never know when you're going to have to shake someone's hand. Dry hands are embarrassing.

• Gum or Hard Candy: Just because.

• Lip Balm: Keeps my lips from getting chapped, plus it tastes pretty good too.

Things that I Used to Carry but Have Been Outmoded by Other Stuff:

• Digital Camera: Now we all rely on our phones, and it took me a while to break away from a dedicated camera, but phones are just as good for higher-quality photos.

• Creative Zen Touch MP3 Player: My old-school music player. I loved it until Terry upgraded me to an iPod Touch for Christmas many years ago. Much like the Digital Camera, the iPod has been replaced by my phone.

Yup, I was once a Boy Scout. Their motto is "Be Prepared," and that, I am.

The thoughtful Christmas 2024 gift from Terry. ❤️

Now, let's talk about the fantastic gift I received this past Christmas. Terry gifted me an amazing large messenger bag. He was itching to give it to me before my trip to Orlando, knowing it would be the perfect size for me to travel with as my personal item on Frontier Airlines, but I didn't want to take away from his or my Christmas morning excitement. At first, I thought it was a little too big, but when I realized my 14-inch laptop that I use for almost everything, including this blog, fit perfectly, I knew it was just right. Though I love it, much like ladies with their handbags, you can never have enough things to carry stuff in. Given that I am required to carry clear bags to work, I've been searching high and low for a clear crossbody bag large enough for my larger 15-inch laptop and the accessories mentioned above.

So, what about you? Do you carry a bag or a manbag with you? My favorites are pretty much the standard waxed canvas bags, similar to the ones at Army Surplus stores. I wish I could find one large enough to fit a 15-inch laptop into, but no such luck for me. If I could carry my laptop around in one, I would, but it seems the typical messenger bags they make nowadays aren't really big enough. And if they are, they don't have enough padding to keep the laptop safe. What's inside your bag, and why do you carry those items? Let's swap stories—leave a comment below and share your essentials. You never know; you might inspire someone to add a new must-have to their own bag!

If you've got any cool ideas for must-have items or if you come across an awesome messenger bag that you think I'd love, feel free to let me know. Your suggestions and contributions are always appreciated. Thank you!