This is one of those experiences I wish I could erase from my memory every time I think of it. It's sort of nasty but amusing at the same time.
During the summer when I was out of school, my mom always had lunch ready for me around 12:30. I always knew to be in the house by then or I'd get nothing to eat. My lunches were basically simple, either a ham or turkey sandwich on white bread with Delchamps, Winn Dixie, or Piggly Wiggly store-branded BBQ or Sour Cream and Onion chips, or a can of soup and crackers. I actually preferred soup over sandwiches. My mom kept a variety of soups in the pantry: Chicken with Stars, Chicken Noodle, Vegetable Beef, and Alphabet Soup. Essentially, my lunch consisted of a low-calorie liquid diet. By the way, the soups were usually store brands, not Campbell's. I didn't care, and to this day, I can't really tell the difference since they all taste like salt.
For dinner, my mom, sometimes unsure of herself, would fry chicken. It was seasoned well but usually burned on one side, while the other side looked perfect but the meat by the bone would be cold and sometimes not well-cooked...yes, this does figure into this story.
One really hot summer day, after I'd had my lunch consisting of soup, I was at the neighbor's house. They had a pool, and we didn't. Kim McKenzie would invite me over when she had nothing else to do, which didn't happen very often because her mom didn't really care for me. She thought I was a weird child. Her son was weird too, but I guess no one realized that until later on. So Kim and I were playing in the pool, and all of a sudden, I felt a hot rumble in my tummy. I knew I had a minute or so to get to the bathroom. Kim told me I'd have to go home to use the bathroom. Little did she know I'd already peed in the pool, twice.
I made it home to find the doors were locked. I rang the doorbell, no answer. I ran to the back door and the entry door from our utility/laundry room to find they were also locked. My mom would sometimes lock us out of the house during the day to give us plenty of outside playtime and keep us out of her hair. I was desperately trying to get into the house. Mom didn't know that I wasn't allowed to use the McKenzie's bathroom. I remembered my sister sometimes left her bedroom window lock unlocked, so I ran back around the house, standing barefoot in the bushes wearing only a pair of shorts, only to realize the window was locked that day. By this time, my shorts were completely dry. I wasn't supposed to have been in the pool that day anyway, so I thought I'd have no problem fooling my mom thanks to fast-drying shorts. I ran over to my bedroom window...LOCKED also. My stomach was churning, my ass was burning, and my feet were hurting from the pine bark my dad kept under the bushes. Standing in the bushes, I looked down and all of a sudden, I couldn't hold it anymore. I looked down and saw ABCDEFG, carrot, L M N O SHIT I gotta pee too. So I shit myself, and I might as well piss myself also. The slightly undercooked chicken from the night before had caught up with me. I thought I was done, so I turned on the water hose next to me to clean myself up. I ran next door to find Kim going inside; she was done swimming. So there I was, not wet from the pool but from our water hose, and I had to go back home.
As I rounded the corner, I found my mom standing at the front window, and here I came running from the neighbor's house WET. She slammed open the door and said, "I heard the water hose come on." Seriously? I'm ringing the doorbell, knocking, and trying to get in, and the only thing that gets her attention is the sound of the water hose? She assumed I was trying to rinse the chlorine smell off of me, I guess, since I wasn't supposed to be in the pool that day.
Recap of Events:
Undercooked Chicken.
Swimming next door when I should have just been playing Barbies with Kim.
Peed in the pool twice, not allowed to use the McKenzie bathroom.
Locked out of the house.
Spewed the alphabet from my ass.
Washed myself off.
Water hose got mom's attention over the doorbell and beating on the doors.
And the grand finale...I got an ass whoopin' in wet shorts. Let's just say a belt hitting your ass in something wet is JUST like getting whipped while naked.
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| Our old house on Pace Lane...though it looked NOTHING like this when we lived there. |
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